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It doesn’t take a genius.

It doesn’t take a genius to see that Samsung are scared, you only run stupid marketing campaigns like this one if you are, or if your marketing folk are equally as daft - or both. If you haven’t seen the ad, and have no idea what I’m rambling about, I’ve attached the full thing at the bottom of this post.

Numerous people have already taken aim at the ad, there is the one that flips it around to a pro-iPhone stance with the headline “Don’t settle for cheap plastic”, there are the ones where people have filled out the feature lists on both sides in a little more detail for a ‘better’ comparison, and there is even one that removes the S3 completely instead comparing the iPhone to the Nokia Lumia.

Let’s start with the headline. “It doesn’t take a genius” is implying that Apple are the genius, and Samsung are not. True I guess, you don’t really need to be that smart to operate a photocopier.

It also doesn’t take a genius to realise that they should have picked a better wallpaper image to display on the S3. Sure we all know its one of those floaty, flower, seed thingies but at a quick glance it looks like a bullet hole and smashed screen. Yup, well though out guys.

It doesn’t take a genius to pick holes in the compared features between the two devices.

4.8” S3 screen vs 4.0” iPhone 5 screen

It doesn’t take a genius to see that 4.8 is a larger number than 4.0, Samsung’s marketing folk certainly see it. What they also see is the need for enormous pockets to fit their giant phones in.

4.7oz S3 weight vs 3.95oz iPhone 5 weight

It doesn’t take a genius to see that 4.7 is a larger number than 3.95, oh wait maybe it does. If the Samsung marketeers had noticed that “bigger isn’t better” in the weight category they might have left this one out. The S3 is nearly 20% heavier than the iPhone 5, weight doesn’t worry me personally, but 20% is lot - especially considering once phone is made of plastic, and one is not…

S Voice vs Siri

I still think Siri is kind of a dumb name (and it never understands anything I say), but ‘S Voice’ is worse.

16 or 32 fixed + up to 64GB microSD storage

Wow, I totally want a microSD to boost the storage of my phone when the manufacturer should probably have just made it available in the higher capacities to begin with. MicroSD storage expansion was cool when phones came with 16MB of internal storage, that time has long passed.

Android 4.0 OS vs iOS 6

Well you get Android 4.0 if your carrier lets you. On the other hand, everyone, everywhere, with a compatible iOS device (pretty much anything from the past two or so years) gets the same iOS 6 for free at the same time.

Standard micro USB plug

Woop-de-doo. I’m sure everyone has seen the photo of the multiple Samsung power adapters from the past couple of years that’s doing the round on the internet. I’d post a picture of all the different connectors Apple has used in the past 10 years but it would be pretty boring because they’ve only used one. How dare they introduce a brand new, smaller connector. Shame on them.

So, that’s the comparative features, but what about the differentiating features? Well, it doesn’t take a genius to see that these “extras” that the S3 includes are mostly irrelevant fancy marketing derived names for mundane basic features.

NFC

Nobody fucking cares. Oh, that’s not what it means? I just see Samsung using it so much that I assumed… oh well, whatever.

Smart Stay

Is what exactly? Thanks to its stupid marketing supplied name only Samsung S3 owners are going to know what this is, and they already own an S3 so that’s kind of pointless, right?

S-Beam

See ‘Smart Stay’. No idea what it is (and I’m not looking it up), but if I had to guess I’d say its a torch. A torch is not a feature.

ShareShot

See ‘Smart Stay’. Or maybe this is being able to share photos? Yeah, because that’s something the iPhone can’t do…

Group Cast

See ‘Smart Stay’. Group video chat? Or something a group of people get after a mass skiing accident?

Direct Call

Holy fucking shit guys, the Samsung S3 can make phone calls. Why didn’t I think of that, a phone that makes phone calls. Genius.

Smart Alert

See ‘Smart Stay’. Or maybe this is notifications, you know, like the ones iOS doesn’t have, oh wait…

Tilt to Zoom

Yeah…. sounds like a fucking terrible idea.

Palm swipe capture

No no no no no. Why would you want to swipe your entire palm? Is it just because the enormous screen is larger than most people’s palms?

Picture in Picture

On a phone? Why? What picture is going inside what other picture? Video conference calls inside movies? Movies inside video conference calls? This feature makes no sense at all.

Turn Over to Mute

Why? If my phone is muted I want to be able to see the screen, if I have to turn it over then I can’t see the screen. Presumably this is optional, but its hardly a feature difference that I’d be highlighting as a reason why the S3 is better than the iPhone 5.

Shake to Update

Much like ‘shake to undo’ on the iPhone it just seems like an excuse to use the accelerometer for something that’s not really that helpful. And also like Apple’s ‘shake to undo’ it will also make you look like a knob when you use it in public.

Removable battery

Really? In 2012 you still want to tout a removable battery as a ‘feature’? I thought we were past this? What percentage of S3 users actually carry around a spare battery? Do they do it because finding a compatible charger is difficult? Do they do it because they are too stupid to charge their phones at night? Or is the removable battery so that when the battery completely dies - which it should never do within the life of the phone - that users can purchase a replacement? If the battery in an iPhone died you’d just take it to an Apple store and they’d give you an entirely new phone (well really they shouldn’t, but they probably would).

Overall the extra features that Samsung list are really scraping the bottom of the barrel. None of them make me think “Man I wish my iPhone could do that”. Samsung users probably love them, but they’re already Samsung users, they aren’t the target of this ad, or are they?

“Appearance of phones may vary. Phone screen images simulated. Above listed features are representative, not all inclusive”

Appearance may vary? Yes, there’s a black iPhone and a white iPhone, don’t know what variations there are of the S3, don’t care either.

Simulated screen images, well ‘image’ as they only put an image on the S3, and they didn’t pick a very good one.

“Representative” features only. Perhaps Samsung could have picked some features that better “represented” why they think the S3 is a better device. They could have also listed more comparative features for the iPhone, but I guess that wasn’t really the point of the ad.

The Next Big Thing Is Already Here.

Yes Samsung, you are correct, and its called the iPhone 5, and Apple unveiled it last week. They also announced pricing and availability on the spot, pre-orders opened a couple of days later, and by the end of this week users will have the device in their hands. Can anyone tell me how the last Samsung launch compared?

Give it a few weeks and I’m sure Samsung will announce their innovative new phone, the Samsung Galaxy sPhone V, no doubt complete with “coming soon” and “pricing not yet available” tag lines, and a sleek new design that looks nothing like the iPhone 5. Because the form factor of the iPhone 5 is just so obvious, why would they do it any other way?